tHE 7 HOUSES OF HORROR BY JOE PICKELL
Early this morning F.B.I. agents carried out a series of raids on Senator John McCain's infamous 7 Houses, after a tipster who identified herself as none other than Snow White alleged that Mc Cain's homes were actually being used to detain each of her 7 companions. They were being held in retribution for Ms. White's defection from the McCain camp to that of Barak Obama. Ms. White claimed that Senator McCain had fallen madly in love with her, but she had spurned his advances and that her decision to end her support for his presidential campaign broke his tenuous grasp of reality. In a fit of jealous rage he had The 7 Dwarves kidnapped on their way home from work last week. "He told me that if I informed the authorities he would kill them all", said a weeping Ms. White. "But I had to enlist the help of the F.B.I. after he started calling me and playing recordings of them screaming and crying. I had to try and save them, I thought he was going to kill them regardless of what I did."
Ms. White and The 7 Dwarves gave an impromptu press conference late this afternoon after they had all been treated and released from hospital. Grumpy spoke first saying, "We were right in the middle of our second verse of Hi-Ho, when a number of vehicles came blasting out of nowhere and completely surrounded us. Then all these guys hopped out with their guns drawn and loaded us into a paddy wagon. We were blind folded and injected with some drug. I woke up with a sack over my head and then a familiar voice began saying all this crazy stuff like, "If I can't have her no one can". I knew right away that it was Mc Cain. Then I felt this unbearable pain in my scrotum. That evil bastard fried my nuts! He told me that if I thought that was bad, to wait until I heard what he was going to do to Bashful. We tried telling Snow for months that he's no good, but she thought we were just being paranoid! She always believes the best in people...that's why we love her so much!" With that, Grumpy broke down and was comforted by Ms. White.
Following Grumpy's tearful testimony, Dopey took the podium and slowly removed the bandages from his head revealing the horrific wounds that had been inflicted upon him. In sign language, Dopey stated that Senator Mc Cain had slapped him out of his drugged state, said the same thing to him that he had said to Grumpy, and then slowly cut off both of his ears. Next up was a visibly shaken Bashful, who quietly described his ordeal by saying that "When I came to, Senator Mc Cain was standing over me with a pair of garden shears. He told me that I was going to have a real reason to be Bashful, and then he...he..." and with that Bashful began sobbing hysterically, and simply pointed at his groin. The gathered reporters gave a collective gasp, with some of them openly shedding tears of their own.
After tenderly hugging Bashful for several moments, and inadvertently sneezing in his face, Sneezy approached the podium. He announced that Mc Cain and several of his henchmen had carried out a bizarre experiment upon him. He pulled up his shirt and revealed a vast number of nipples covering his entire upper body. "Mc Cain turned me into a freak", Sneezy shouted. "When I woke up from being drugged ( ah-choo!) he asked me if I liked Snow's nipples and I told him "Yes, very much", ( ah-choo!) and that's when he said" Let's see how much you like the nipples I have in store for you, you little prick." (ah-choo!) And when I woke up I had all of...THESE! (ah-choo!)"
Doc spoke up next from his wee wheelchair. "That monster Mc Cain woke me up by pouring a bucket of urine on my head... he told me that a beautiful woman like Snow had no right living in sin with a gang of diminutive dumb-fucks like us. Then he told me that I was going to need more than a doc by the time he was through with me...he said "Let's see you go to work after this", and then he pulled out a chainsaw and cut off both my feet. I would have bled to death but he cauterized the wounds with a burning tire."
After embracing Doc and wiping the tears from his eyes, Snow White spoke. She informed the crowd that her little lovers were all suffering from P.T.S.D. and that they would be receiving therapy from the best psychiatric doctors that America has to offer. She expressed regret for ever having believed in John Mc Cain. "The man is a fiend! A complete and utter fiend! I don't know how I could have ever been so blind! Look what he did to all my little darlings!"
The remaining Dwarves, Sleepy and Happy were rescued from a similarly sickening fate as Senator Mc Cain hadn't gotten around to them yet. Early this morning he was on his way to the house where Sleepy was being held when the F.B.I. and Arizona State Police pulled him over and arrested him without incident. Following his arrest, Special Agent in Charge Warren Wozzoli described Mc Cain joking about the mutilations of the unfortunate little people during his questioning. "He said, "those little pussies cried like babies who had just been ripped from their mother's tits"! And then he laughed for about 15 minutes. It was deeply disturbing, even to a 20 year agent such as myself."
Senator Mc Cain is being held at an undisclosed location for his own personal safety. Agent Wozzoli told reporters at a press briefing shortly before 4:30 this afternoon that "Senator Mc Cain has already received numerous death threats. Everybody loves The 7 Dwarves, regardless of how they choose to live their private lives, and many people are very, very angry about the atrocities that he carried out on them."
It would appear that the unhinging of John Mc Cain's run for The White House has indeed become the crime of this young century.
olympic shocker! by joe pickell
In the single most shocking news story in the history of The Olympic Games, the winningest Olympian, Michael Phelps, was unceremoniously stripped of his 11 gold medals this afternoon after it was revealed that Phelps is, in actuality. a merman from the underwater city of Atlantis. The explosive revelation has devastated the United States Olympic team with Eddie Reese, the head coach of the U.S.A's men’s swim team reportedly under heavy sedation following the announcement.
According to The Associated Press, Phelps slipped out of his quarters before dawn this morning, jogged down to the Hai River and dove in, swimming into the Bohai Gulf of the Yellow Sea where he was caught in the nets of some Chinese fishermen. The Captain of the vessel, Bing Zao Crosby told reporters that "At first we thought we had captured the fabled peach porpoise of the Yellow Sea, but after we dumped our catch on board we were even more stunned to find a real-life merman! He told us that we humans knew him as Olympic Gold medalist Michael Phelps. We didn't believe that at first because of his webbed hands and funky fish body, but he quickly shed his aquatic appearance and revealed himself to be none other than Michael Phelps! I'll never forget it as long as I live. It was amazing beyond description."
The fishermen brought the Phelps-fish to shore where a contingent of Chinese Government officials were waiting to take him in for questioning. After 3 hours Phelps was released into the custody of his personal coach, Bob Bowman. Shortly thereafter, Bowman called a press conference in which Phelps spoke briefly before he was hauled away to an unknown location by some mysterious men in black. In part of his statement, the fish-man said, ”It is true, I am a merman from Atlantis. In my native tongue I am known as Micaelphep. We Atlanteans decided several years ago that if we could only grab your attention and gain your trust in a way that wouldn't alarm you, or result in injury for us, we may be able to help you humans by healing your distorted perceptions regarding your sexuality, your physical bodies and your emotions. We thought that if we impressed you in some way, we could then assist you from a point of trust in cleansing yourselves physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, thus helping to prevent you from destroying this planet that we all share. We thought that we could achieve that by entering one of our kind into the Olympic Games as a swimming competitor and win in a spectacular fashion." And with that, Micaelphep was roughly loaded into a nearby SUV which quickly sped away.
Following this alarming turn of events, President George W. Bush gave a press conference of his own in which he harshly criticized Micaelphep: " The United States doesn't need to hear the propaganda of some sexed-up sea-monkey, spouting off a bunch of New Age, touchy-feely, let's heal humanity hokum! We want to win some goll-darned gold medals, and we don't need no dag-gummed fish-man to do it! Feed that faker to the sharks, that's what I say! He's a disgrace!"
Many people are asking what will happen to the merman now that he is in U.S. custody, and activists throughout the world are protesting outside of U.S. Embassies demanding that he not be harmed. A spokesman for Amnesty International said "We're deeply concerned that the United States government is going to torture Micaelphep to get whatever information they can from him and then just dissect him. That would be a major tragedy for both the Atlanteans and mankind. Who knows how much he could teach us."
And who knows how the Atlanteans will react to his capture. All we have is Micaelphep's word that their intentions were honorable. Perhaps their intention was to transform us all into merpeople. Who knows, only time will tell. Let us all hope that this startling turn of events doesn't become even more startling.
In the single most shocking news story in the history of The Olympic Games, the winningest Olympian, Michael Phelps, was unceremoniously stripped of his 11 gold medals this afternoon after it was revealed that Phelps is, in actuality. a merman from the underwater city of Atlantis. The explosive revelation has devastated the United States Olympic team with Eddie Reese, the head coach of the U.S.A's men’s swim team reportedly under heavy sedation following the announcement.
According to The Associated Press, Phelps slipped out of his quarters before dawn this morning, jogged down to the Hai River and dove in, swimming into the Bohai Gulf of the Yellow Sea where he was caught in the nets of some Chinese fishermen. The Captain of the vessel, Bing Zao Crosby told reporters that "At first we thought we had captured the fabled peach porpoise of the Yellow Sea, but after we dumped our catch on board we were even more stunned to find a real-life merman! He told us that we humans knew him as Olympic Gold medalist Michael Phelps. We didn't believe that at first because of his webbed hands and funky fish body, but he quickly shed his aquatic appearance and revealed himself to be none other than Michael Phelps! I'll never forget it as long as I live. It was amazing beyond description."
The fishermen brought the Phelps-fish to shore where a contingent of Chinese Government officials were waiting to take him in for questioning. After 3 hours Phelps was released into the custody of his personal coach, Bob Bowman. Shortly thereafter, Bowman called a press conference in which Phelps spoke briefly before he was hauled away to an unknown location by some mysterious men in black. In part of his statement, the fish-man said, ”It is true, I am a merman from Atlantis. In my native tongue I am known as Micaelphep. We Atlanteans decided several years ago that if we could only grab your attention and gain your trust in a way that wouldn't alarm you, or result in injury for us, we may be able to help you humans by healing your distorted perceptions regarding your sexuality, your physical bodies and your emotions. We thought that if we impressed you in some way, we could then assist you from a point of trust in cleansing yourselves physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, thus helping to prevent you from destroying this planet that we all share. We thought that we could achieve that by entering one of our kind into the Olympic Games as a swimming competitor and win in a spectacular fashion." And with that, Micaelphep was roughly loaded into a nearby SUV which quickly sped away.
Following this alarming turn of events, President George W. Bush gave a press conference of his own in which he harshly criticized Micaelphep: " The United States doesn't need to hear the propaganda of some sexed-up sea-monkey, spouting off a bunch of New Age, touchy-feely, let's heal humanity hokum! We want to win some goll-darned gold medals, and we don't need no dag-gummed fish-man to do it! Feed that faker to the sharks, that's what I say! He's a disgrace!"
Many people are asking what will happen to the merman now that he is in U.S. custody, and activists throughout the world are protesting outside of U.S. Embassies demanding that he not be harmed. A spokesman for Amnesty International said "We're deeply concerned that the United States government is going to torture Micaelphep to get whatever information they can from him and then just dissect him. That would be a major tragedy for both the Atlanteans and mankind. Who knows how much he could teach us."
And who knows how the Atlanteans will react to his capture. All we have is Micaelphep's word that their intentions were honorable. Perhaps their intention was to transform us all into merpeople. Who knows, only time will tell. Let us all hope that this startling turn of events doesn't become even more startling.
