puppy killing and mini suicide bombers

 

A few months ago I watched an indignant report on the news about a video that was posted on Youtube which depicted an American Marine allegedly throwing a puppy off of a cliff in Iraq. A Marine spokesman gave a press conference about it in which he announced that cruelty to animals is unacceptable to the U.S. Marine corps. Someone alert the irony police, quickly! Killing a puppy is a vile and heinous act...killing humans? Not so much. Come on, I love animals as much as the next person, but human beings have been getting maimed and collaterally damaged on a daily basis over there for 6 fucking years! Including babies for Christ's sake! But they're the enemy, right? Puppies aren't suicide bombers goddamnit! True, but neither are toddlers, sport. Remember, you need to know your ABC's before you can spell Al-Queda, nevermind join the bastards. Call me a cynic, but I don't think we're going to be hearing about any infant suicide bombers any time soon. But imagine if we did:

"Even though his brain wasn't fully formed, little Achmed was seemingly born with hatred in his heart. How else do we explain the fact that yesterday morning, as he fed from his mother's bosom, he suddenly broke free from the breast, strapped on a diaper loaded with dynamite, back-flipped off the balcony and landed in a crowded market-place where he blew his little ass to kingdom come, killing 15 shoppers and wounding a further 32."

That little news report would be the immediate precursor to Armageddon folks. If you ever hear that shit, break out your plastic sheeting and duct tape, strap on your gas mask and start talking in tongues, because the time is nigh, the end is near and you'd better get down on your knees and do the funky Alphonso, because we're fucked! 

I still can't get over the feigned shock in regard to the killing of a puppy though. The Marines are trained to be heartless killing machines, yet the cruel and unusual death of a domestic animal at the hands of a Marine caused a wave of outrage.

"How could he have committed such a savage act?"

Maybe that's why THEY  ‘hate us‘. Maybe THEY don't hate our freedom... maybe THEY hate our hypocrisy, our greed, and our selfishness.  

“WE want the oil, WE need the oil, and WE are going to take your fucking oil, kill your fucking people and make up a bunch of horseshit about spreading democracy in order to get it!"

If spreading democracy were such a big concern, how come our government hasn't stopped the atrocities in Sudan or Burma? Not to mention countless other places around the globe where brutal barbarity is a daily occurence. But supposedly we're a Christian nation. Yeah right, Christian in name only. I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but try and remember that "Thou shalt not kill" wasn't just intended for puppies. Talk about Revelations !!!

"You mean Kaliel has as much of a right to live as Fi-Fi? Who could have known?!?"

Speaking of revelations, I think THEY understand Us, a lot more than WE understand THEM, and here's why: I was in Detroit back in February of this year, and I spent some of my time in a place on the outskirts of Detroit called Dearborn, which just so happens to have the largest community of Arabs in the United States. Now, while I was there I visited several liquor stores, all of which were run by Arabs. What struck me most about those trips to the liquor stores was the fact that some of them were selling statues of Jesus and The Virgin Mary right alongside hardcore porn films on DVD! Tell me THEY don't understand US! They're catering to our addictions, perversions and guilt all in one fell swoop! You can buy your booze, your Christian trinket and your brand-spanking new copy of Alice In Anal-land, go home, stick on the flick, drink your booze, pull your plum, and when you feel the overwhelming guilt 1.5 seconds after orgasm, you can drunkenly whip out your statue of Jesus, fall to your knees and beg for his forgiveness. I think they understand us. 

 

O.J. ATE MY BABY!!!

As hard as it may be to remember, there was once a time when O.J. Simpson was a shining example of all-American success: he was a celebrated football player, dubious actor and, as the above ad of yore demonstrates, an advertising whore. Most people probably remember him ho'ing for American Express, but there were also those cowboy boots…Dingos. Which is entirely appropriate considering all the trouble he got into further on down the line. Anyone remember those tabloid headlines from yesteryear- DINGOE’S ATE MY BABY? Well, for all we know, maybe that's how O.J. has sustained himself over the years. No steroids and vitamins for O.J., hell no, only the blood of the innocent would suffice. That's the headline I want to see- O.J. ATE MY BABY! He and Leslie Nielsen learned all about the satanic benefits of baby-eating through that weird, all-male, owl-worshipping cult out amongst the redwoods at Bohemian Grove… engaging in transvestism, ritual sacrifice and drug-fueled homosexual orgies with the titans of industry, politics and commerce. Is it that hard to believe? Come on, O.J. went from Nordberg to Jack the Ripper for fuck's sake!

I Remember when that whole thing began... I was sitting in a bar in Detroit watching the cops chase that bronco live on TV, and all I kept thinking was," Come on, O.J., just drive off a bridge and spare us the months and months of some shitty, sensational celebrity trial!!!" Not surprisingly, O.J. failed to heed my psychic suggestions and what happened? 9 months of judicial and prosecutorial incompetence, followed by a not guilty verdict. Yet curiously, a little later he was declared "financially responsible" for the murders of his wife and Ron Goldman at his civil trial. I've wondered for years how someone can be responsible for murder, but not guilty of it. How the fuck does that work?!? Isn't the general consensus that if you're responsible for something, THEN YOU DID IT?!? It's never been a question of race to me; it's been a question of privilege. Robert Blake walked away scot free 



and Phil Spector recently got a hung jury. That fuckin’ jury should be hung! Because from what I heard on the news, Lana Clarkson's front teeth were broken from the force of the gun entering her mouth. Don't most people commit suicide to escape their pain? Why would someone give themselves extra pain right before they killed themselves?!? It's ALL gonna be over in a few seconds, why hurt yourself any more than you’re going to? Call me a realist, shit, it makes sense to me... unless it really was some impulsive, heat of the moment act. But why would anyone blow their brains out over Phil Spector? The man who somehow makes both Little Orphan Annie and Carrot-Top seem attractive?!?


Can you imagine anyone violently blowing their head off because some washed-up freak wouldn’t offer them a business deal of some kind? If her last hope was Phil Spector, maybe it was a desperate, impulsive act. I don't know, personally speaking I took one look at that hair of his and knew he was guilty of something. In fact, shouldn't that hairstyle alone constitute crimes against humanity?!?

The other thing about Phil Spector is that he has a long history of getting violently drunk and threatening people with guns. He did it to The Ramones, why the hell not some poor B-Movie chick? Except that with poor old Lana he took it into O.J. territory. And let's not forget, his last name is Spector. Maybe it used to be Specter that would explain a lot. He sure as fuck looks like a specter.

Anyway, one of the few celebrities that I can remember who actually did go to jail was Robert Downey Junior...

but then again, that was after several hundred slaps on the wrist for drugs and firearms violations. If O.J. had kept showing up in front of the court every 4- 6-months on murder charges he might have actually done some time too.
“O.J., you honestly expect the court to believe that the gallon of blood in your SUV was from cutting yourself shaving? AGAIN? You've told us this the last 3 times you were here, you fuckin' IDIOT! Get some help, O.J., or the next time I see you in here I'm putting you away!!!" Any celebrity is gonna skate, unless they do something so heinous and blatant that there's no possible way to defend it. Say, for instance, someone films a celebrity sawing a person's head off in a Sunoco public toilet! That might be a tad harder to explain away...

:" My client did not commit this reprehensible crime your honor..."

"May I remind the defense that someone filmed Mr. Travolta decapitating the victim'?!? Perhaps you'd be better off trying to enter a plea of guilty by reason of insanity counselor??? After all, he did appear in those Look Who's Talking films and he's a Scientologist. I think you'll have a pretty good case there...

Speaking of decapitation, did you hear about the guy the other day that attacked one of his fellow passengers on some bus in Canada? I saw a news story that featured an interview with another passenger on the bus who said that there was one guy leaning his head up against the window listening to his headphones when some other guy casually stabbed the poor bastard 50 times before cutting his head off. This shit happened ON THE BUS!!! In Canada!!! With tons of witnesses, yet on the news they referred to this psycho as a suspect. SUSPECT?!? He's no suspect if 20 people witnessed him murder and decapitate someone on a bus., he's the PERPETRATOR! The motherfucker did it! There's footage showing him eating pieces of the poor bastard! That's no fuckin' suspect!!! The only reason they use that legalese -speak on the news is to protect their asses just in case the head-cutter might sue them ... even though they caught him feasting on Billy Jim's head.

What a horrifying story, huh? And that shit happened in Canada... I thought they were a bunch of peaceful cheese eaters up there!?! Jesus, we expect that sort of shit in Milwaukee or the Middle East, but Canada? This is the kind of story that makes people think the devil is real...and living in Canada.

Until next time, keep your head up and attached to your neck... and keep reaching for the Orange Cabbage!

overpaid celebrity twats

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Let's talk about over-paid celebrity twats, shall we kiddies? Let's start with this sickening new trend that's developed in the world of celebrity twats- pimping their new-born babies to sleazy magazines for 6-figure sums. The latest was Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves selling exclusive photos of their kid to OK Magazine for 3 million bucks.

First of all, that's pretty fucking far from OK. Secondly, don’t these motherfuckers have enough money already? They've gotta exploit their innocent new-born baby to earn a little more? They should have just put the poor little blighter up for sale at an auction. Who needs exclusive photos when you can simply purchase the poor little cunt? One thing's for sure, there'd be no shortage of bidders in this fucked-up society." I just bought McConaughey's kid for a cool 10 million! “And let's not forget about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie selling their kids soul for $4 million to People magazine. I know they're Hollywood Liberals and everything, but that's a tad extreme isn't it? They could have made more money if they had sold vials of its blood on e-bay. They could've advertised it as clone our kid for $500,000! They could've retired with that money in a matter of weeks and adopted every orphan in Africa. Or was that Madonna? Ah, what the fuck's the difference, a celebrity twat is a celebrity twat.

I read a book recently called Sleazoid Express by Bill Landis and Michelle Clifford, which documents a wide variety of exploitation movies. In one section there's a review of a sleazy documentary called Manson, which contains an interview with the woman whom Susan Atkins confessed to about murdering Sharon Tate. Some of the happy details included Atkins telling her that The Manson Family wanted to gouge out Elizabeth Taylor's eyes and apply a hot poker to her face, and that she wanted to fuck Tom Jones and then stab him to death as she orgasmed... or, my personal favorite: the Family wanted to hang Frank Sinatra upside down and skin him alive to the sound of his own music., then sell pouches of his skin to head shops so everyone could buy " a little piece of Frank."

Folks, isn't it about time we let Charles Manson out of prison? “Charlie, you have a new mission...may I direct you to the set of Dr.Phil?"
Shit, that quack makes so much money per week that the Manson Family could skin him on a Monday morning and he'd be all fixed-up and ready for his show by Monday afternoon! Or how about his keeper, Oprah Winfrey? She's so fuckin' rich that they could turn her into Oprah burgers and her personal assistant would just go buy her a new life! I can hear some of your disgusted reactions right now: " how can this vile little creature talk that way about Oprah?!?" Easily, and if she's traumatized by it she can just go call on Dr. Phil! He lives inside her asshole anyway; all she has to do is knock!!! "Dr. Phil, come out quick, this mad midget's talking about sicking Charles Manson on me!" Actually, at $225 million a year, an estimated personal fortune of $1.5 BILLION, and the undying love and admiration of every soccer Mom throughout the world, Oprah probably owns GOD by now!!! And you wondered what the angel network was all about... God's Oprah's bitch! He probably runs around after her like Kingfish," Yessum Mizz Oprah, yo wish be ma Commandment!"

Did you know that on the final season of Friends those cocksmokers all made $1 million dollars a week? For a million dollars a week, who the fuck wouldn't be friends? I almost choked on my own vomit when I heard that shit! Or how about Ray Romano, who made $1.8 million a week portraying a goofy, whiny Momma's boy? For that much money, surely he deserved a bit of humiliation...perhaps a LOT of humiliation... say, for instance, on the series finale his wife finally loses her shit completely and busts a Lorraine Bobbitt move on him! Imagine how hilarious his reaction would have been:" Hun-neee...aw, c'mon, hu-neee, give it back! I kind of need that! " (cue canned laughter) and then she could've bitch-slapped him with it a couple of times before she ran out of the house and across the street where she fucked Ray's brother with it! Then Ray could've showed up and whined," huh-neee...how can you fuck my brother with my severed penis..." ( Cue more canned laughter)

Anyway, let's get back to Friends, because What About Raymond at least featured Peter Boyle, whom I loved. Friends featured no one that I liked, never mind loved. A bunch of rich, young, upwardly mobile people portraying rich, young, upwardly mobile people... that must have been a real fucking stretch for them, eh? And making a million dollars a week!?! For a million dollars a week, that final episode of Friends should have revealed some deep, dark, decidedly un-yuppie-like secrets. Like Chandler walking in on Joey as he deep-throated his pock-marked Nigerian crack dealer! I wonder if Chandler would've still been there for him with a hideous case of oral herpes? And then, to really spice things up and make all these fuckers earn that bling-bling, they should've ended it with a cross-series shock-o-rama extravaganza featuring Rachel catching Ross in a homosexual S&M orgy with Frasier and Niles Crane ! Actually, they should've had Rachel and Frasier's father jointly discover this unwholesome abomination! Frasier's Dad would've had this glazed look in his eyes as he kept repeating the phrase," but you're not even touching Daphne..." And Daphne would have been chained to the wall shrieking, puking and crying, then Rachel would have started shrieking, puking and crying, then the dad, and then the whole thing could have ended with the rest of the cast walking in and they all puke on each other like that scene with Lard-Ass in Stand By Me.

Ok, so maybe I am sick, but not as sick as a society whose collective desire is becoming rich and famous. Is that the only thing worthy of aspiring to anymore? Personally, I'd rather be infamous than famous. Perhaps I should explain why: Hannity and Colmes are famous...Bonnie and Clyde are infamous. Rush Limbaugh is famous...Abbie Hoffman is infamous. Celine Dion is famous...Wendy O. Williams is infamous. Get the picture? I'm sick of all this shit about winners and losers in life. Fuck that shit. If you're happy and enjoying your life, you're a winner. Even if you're not particularly enjoying your life, that doesn't make you a loser, that just makes you unhappy. Try purchasing some good weed and renting a George Carlin video, that oughta cheer ya up, ya dreary bastard! But really, we have so many miserable, dissatisfied people in this country because everyone wants to be a winner. People don't feel like they're important unless they have the right car and the right clothes and the right house, and the funny thing is that all this shit is a creation of the right! The right-wing, whose idea of success in life is having lots of money and power! To get all old skool on yer asses, don't believe the fuckin' hype! Follow your own path and fuck the be grudgers!!!

Until next time, keep reaching for The Orange Cabbage!!!