Well, that tremendous pain in the ass known as Donald Trump is back in the news again after buying Ed McMahon’s mansion for him. That just gave me an idea- Mc Mansions!!! There's an idea for ya Trump! Make some shitty, low-grade, poorly-made imitation mansions so all the regular shlubbs who dream of fame and fortune can feel important too! There's no shortage of them in this country. Money and popularity are The American Dream and it seems to me that Donald Trump exemplifies what most people in America really want, regardless of the dead baby orangutan that he calls hair.

But Donald Trump also exemplifies what's wrong with our society. He's currently building the tallest and most luxurious hotel in New Orleans. It's cost is an estimated $400 million. In a city where many people are still homeless from hurricane Katrina, this ostentatious display of disregard for the misery and suffering of the people of New Orleans provides me with the perfect opportunity to suggest that The Donald should be doused in cooking sherry, lit on fire and fed to Rosie O'Donnell!!! "Your Trump flambé, Ms. O'Donnell..."Who's fired now Donald, you cunt! Was that a little too harsh? Well, think of it this way, at least there wouldn't be another season of the fucking Apprentice! That show is a fucking travesty. Here's a TV show where Donald Trump, a billionaire, gets paid to fire people and then he ends up with a model employee. Meanwhile, the winner of the show gets to be...a model employee~ Ghee, what a terrific prize! You get to be humiliated by Donald Trump for a year. Congratulations, asshole!!!

You know what they should call Reality TV? Travesty TV, because it's a fucking travesty that any of that shit ever made it to TV! I figured out how it happened: several years ago a little group of jaded Hollywood producers were snorting coke and drinking Courvoisier while watching some 18 year-old hooker get gang-banged by a pack of frothing geriatrics. And it occurred to one of them that if a pretty young 18 year-old girl would allow a dozen decrepit degenerates to humiliate her for cash, then why the hell wouldn't she eat a garbage bag full of maggot-infested rat colons? And then perhaps wash that putrid mess down with a nice tall glass of steaming baby shit. And not just hookers... but young people in general... And voila, Fear Factor was born! That show never ceased to amaze me. The things those young folks did for the chance of winning 50 thousand dollars. "Whatever it takes", that was the recurring line on that show when Joe Rogan asked them what they were willing to do to win $50,000: "Whatever it takes." Really? Can we drill a small hole in the side of your neck and stick an olive in it? "Whatever it takes!" Really? Can we cut off both your legs and replace them with a couple of popsicle sticks? "Whatever it takes!" Really? Can we drive a spike through your head? "Well, will it kill me?" It might, but then again you might win 50 grand! "OK!!! Whatever it takes!!!" How pathetic, people doing disgusting, stupid shit for money. “Sure I'll eat a bowl of horseshit, just give me money!" But of course, Fear Factor isn't on anymore. It had its run of moral corruption and degradation. That show was like hard-core porno but without the sex. No sex, just pure humiliation. Humiliation for a cash prize- now that's entertainment!

How did Reality TV become the most popular genre on television? It's like celebrating the fact that we're a bunch of fucking idiots! "Let's watch Donald Trump fire people!" Fuck that, let's watch The Donald’s Kentucky fried cadaver get inhaled by Rosie O'Donnell! Reality TV. I've come to the conclusion that Reality TV signifies the beginning of Armageddon! Never mind terrorists or the Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the end times start with Reality TV. Let's face it folks, our species doesn't deserve to live any longer with these shows befouling the planet. Hey, hold on a minute, what's that noise I hear? Is that the first bowl of God's Anger I hear hurtling towards the earth? Nope, sorry, false alarm...that was just my overactive imagination creating an auditory hallucination of plummeting network ratings as people across the globe awakened to the bullshit they mistake for entertainment. My apologies.

You know what we need? Fantasy TV. Look at the amazing success of The Lord of the Rings trilogy and the Harry Potter movies. People are famished for fantasy. Shit, they could even have a fantastical game show called Name Your Fantasy, and whatever your fantasy is, you get it! With all the technology available now they could do it. If someone's fantasy was to see Pete's Dragon pop out of J-Lo's ass, that's what they'd get! Imagine that: "Our special guest tonight is Herman Razinski from Knobbsville, Minnesota...Herman wants to see good ole Pete's Dragon pop out of J-Lo's ass, and thanks to the wizardry of C.G.I., Herman's wish is about to come true! Herman Kazinski...this is your fantasy..."

OK, until next time, remember, what we really need is to find our own reality, only one that we like and don't want to escape from.

And remember, keep reaching for the Orange Cabbage.

Somebody asked me the other day what I thought of Last Comic Standing and if I would ever try out for the show. Well, here's my belated response....

I'd rather blow my brains out in front of a couple of deaf and blind homeless men and have their starving, paint-thinner- drinking pet terrier slowly consume my rotting corpse than appear on that piece of shit. Did you see the season finale last night? What a fuckin' travesty of comedy that was. First, they paraded the remaining contestants out on stage in these goofy fuckin' stars and stripes outfits, like some kind of half-assed Evel Knievels, and then the first person they voted off was my favorite comic from the show, the hilarious and unique Jim Tavare. What was the problem America? He wasn't American? The show isn't called Last American Standing you fuckers! Actually, a more likely reason that Jim didn't win was the fact that he's a rather homely chap. Yeah? So fuckin' what, you shallow bastards! The 3 Stooges weren't exactly studs either, but who doesn't love them?!? What the hell do looks have to do with being funny? I know many of you young 'uns think that all comedians should be just like Dane Cook-cute and kooky, but you're missing the bigger picture, he's an uninspired, unfunny cunt! Kind of like Eliza Schlesinger, the hack-ette who won that insipid drivel last night! What the fucking Christ? She's about as funny as a colonoscopy performed by Jeffrey Dahmer !

But let's not forget the host and co-host of that horrible horseshit, Bill Bellamy and Fearne Cotton. Bellamy's another one of those cute cunts who's not funny. I dislike him so much I don't even want to bother coming up with anything cutting to say about him. So that leads us to Fearne Cotton, who isn't even a comedian, but does happen to be cute...it's just a crying shame about that voice of hers. Fucking hell, could they have possibly found someone with a more irritating accent?!? I'd rather spend a week with a dentist's drill repeatedly prodding the same tooth than have to bear 2 seconds of listening to her hellish limey twattery. With a name like Fearne Cotton she should sound like some Georgia Peach, instead of a young, female version of Robin Leach!!! To be fair though, she'd be perfect if only she had no tongue and walked around naked all the time. I always get her confused with that chick who does the commercials for Orbit gum. Her accent annoys the fuck out of me too. They'd both be better if they had no tongues and walked around naked all the time...in my apartment.

Anyway, enough about that Last Comic Standing shit. I was in a dazed stupor when that show ended, so I watched the next show that came on , which happened to be America's Got Talent. Yes sir, America's Got Talent...that can only be judged by 2 limeys and a washed-up drunk, apparently. God Bless America!!! Yeah, America's Got Talent...that cries way too fucking much! Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I haven't seen so much crying since Tammy Faye Baker! For fuck's sake people, get a hold of yourselves, it's only Knight Rider and a couple of British twats! That tubby black opera singer has an amazing voice, but homey-g cries like a little sissy girl! Get your emotions in check there sport, you're an embarrassment!

But what really annoys me about that show is the same thing that annoys me about Last Comic Standing : the people they vote off, and some of the shitheads that they keep on. Like that nightmarish Tina Turner impersonating transsexual. What the fuck is that shit? The only thing that creature is talented at is scaring the be-Jesus out of people like me!!! I expect to see that sort of thing in the advertising section of Hustler, but live on national television?!? At least show us some pussy before dragging out the fuckin' she-males, OK? Have a little consideration for Christ's sake! There are 3 trannies on that show! That qualifies it as a freak show in my book, which is fine, but where's the rest of the freaks? They booted off the sword-swallower and the little Asian contortionist, but left all the he-she’s! Like that opera singer that performs both the falsetto and baritone sections her/his self, and the she-male Britney Spears wanna-be, who is nothing short of dick-shrivellingly frightening! I'll never be able to look at Britney with lust again thanks to that thing. Personally, I think Hasselhoff and Pierce are a couple of trannie lovin' mofo's, because you can't blame Sharon Osbourne for that shit! She's lived a life of freakery! Her husband's a side show geek, what do you expect? Maybe she's thinking about bringing that she-male with the baritone/falsetto on tour with the Oz man. That would be cool. He/she could sing a crazed operatic version of Am I Going Insane while Ozzy bites the heads off of various rodents and spits them at the crowd! Now that's entertainment!!!

Until next time, stop lapping up the lowest common denominator and keep reaching for the Orange Cabbage!