Have you ever found yourself wondering what a celebrity Scientologist's funeral would be like? The death of Issac Hayes provides us with the perfect opportunity for speculation. I think that Issac's funeral will begin with complete silence and a darkened stage and then suddenly a spotlight will beam down on his casket, in tune with the opening sequence of Shaft, revealing a scantily clad Juliette Lewis bumping and grinding against the coffin.

 Next, the whole stage lights up revealing a smorgasbord of celebrity Scientologists...Nancy Cartwright dressed up as Bart Simpson takes the lead vocals while John Travolta, Kirstie Alley and Tom Cruise provide back-up, with Chick Correa pumping away at the keyboards. For the grand finale they lift up the casket and lead the congregation outside, where they carefully place it in a central location before proceeding to burn effigies of various characters from South Park…ending with Chef being blown apart by explosives for the grand finale. Then they bring out the obligatory L. Ron Hubbard float and they all cheer and wave their e-meters in the air with wild abandon. Next, David Muscavige takes the make-shift pulpit and addresses the crowd:

" The Thetan known as Issac Hayes has left planet earth...but his death is not a cause for sadness my friends, it is a cause for celebration! (wild cheers) For you see, Brother Issac had cleared himself of all his Engrams! Brother Issac was clear before he even left this existence! (loud cheers and whoops) Let us hope that no new implants are programmed into hisTthetan (shouts of agreement), and that he bi-passes the turbulent landing station on Venus! (scattered boos) But if by some unfortunate turn of events Issac does end up on Venus, let us deeply hope for the cosmic intervention of our fouding father, L.Ron Hubbard. (loud applause) Yes, indeed, let us really, truly hope that L.R.H. guides Issac away from the lies he may be told about his past and future lives!!!! Let us also hope that Brother Issac remembers to heed Mr. Hubbard's advice and simply go somewhere other than Venus..."

Some of you reading this may very well be wondering "What the fuck is he talking about?" Understandable. So for those of you who don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, allow me to offer you a wee explanation. An introduction to Scientology, if you will. Scientology was founded by a hack science fiction writer named Lafayette Ronald Hubbard. Prior to his forays into dubious pseudo-religious quackery, Hubbard was fond of telling people that the quickest way to make a million dollars was to start a new religion. In 1950 he did just that, with a book named Dianetics, which advertised itself as a science of thought, and was actually introduced to the American public in the pages of a sci-fi magazine, which Hubbard contributed to, called Astounding Science Fiction. The TRULY ASTOUNDING thing was that Hubbard’s’ little old science fiction religion could somehow become the craze of 1950's America and then transform into Scientology, and then bewitch hundreds of thousands of suckers with all of its makey-uppy bullshit about Thetans and Engrams and auditing.

L. Ron's cosmological lunacy begins with the premise that every person willed themselves into being hundreds of trillions of years ago by simply deciding to exist. Through a wild series of space games and star wars we created the matter, energy, space and time of this universe. And so it came to pass that over these trillions of years we have come to find ourselves trapped in our bodies. But never fear friends, by the amazing process of auditing, a person can achieve liberation from the constraints of the human body, thereby returning to their original god-like state through a long protracted series of courses, conducted by some shmuck with a souped-up lie detector, who ‘diagnoses’ your problems and it only costs a mere $300-500,000.00 to achieve the state known as clear! What a bargain...if you're fuckin' Tom Cruise!!!

Some interesting insights into the deranged psyche of L.Ron Hubbard were provided by his son in an interview with Penthouse magazine from the early 80's. In the article, L.Ron Jr. speaks out about his father claiming that he once confided in him that he had written Dianetics in a month, while the world at large thought he had been working on it for 30 years.

He revealed that his father was something of a little Luciferian who was intrigued by Aleister Crowley's Book of the Law and its’ idea of creating a moon child, or an immaculate conception created by Satan. The idea was to get a demonic spirit to inhabit the body of an embryo. Groovy. It was through this desire to create a Babylonian brat that Hubbard Sr. became obsessed with abortions, because every time the perverse practice failed the practitioner was supposed to destroy all the evidence. Ron Jr. claimed that when he was a little boy of 5 or 6 he walked in on his father performing an abortion on his mother with a clothes hanger.

He also accused his Pops of claiming to be the Beast 666 after Aleister Crowley died, and that he wanted to become the most powerful being in the universe. Ron Jr. also said that what most people don't understand is that Scientology is just a long, drawn-out version of Satanism. He said that "Black magic is the inner core of Scientology-and it is probably the only part of Scientology that actually works." Oh yeah, and even though Scientologists aren't supposed to take drugs, according to his son old Ronniekins took a LOT of drugs, because,"Drugs are very important in the application of heavy black magic. The personal use of drugs expand one's conscious ability to break open the doors to the realm of the deep." He goes on to convey that his fathers occult and black magic practices were identical with those of Adolf Hitler: "Brain-washing is nothing compared to it, the proper term would be 'soul-cracking'. It's like cracking open the soul, which then opens various doors to the power that exists, the satanic and demonic powers...it is the ultimate vampirism, the ultimate mind-fuck, instead of going for blood, you're going for their soul. And you take drugs in order to reach that state where you can, quite literally, like a psychic hammer, break their soul, and pull the power through."

So, in conclusion, if you want your soul cracked and your mind melted by a bunch of science fiction gibberish and pseudo-psychiatric mumbo-jumbo then Scientology is the perfect fake religion for you!

Until next time, beware of false prophets whose only interests are profits, and keep reaching for the Orange Cabbage.

P.S: If you don't hear from me again, I was either destroyed by radical Scientologists or I have set out on a mission to free the intergalactic space-jerk known as Xenu.