Drunk confession
Here's something you can try if you're ever bored and feel like spicing up your evening, go to Catholic confession DRUNK! I did it myself the other night. I went over to Curley's liquor store and bought myself a pint of Black Dog, then I went home and put on The Doors, specifically a bootleg called Rock Is Dead. It's great, you can smell death and whiskey in the room when you listen to that album. I think that's how Jim Morrison asserts his ghostly presence to us. Some people smell roses when they encounter spirits, in Jim Morrison's case whiskey is the spirit. So, in honor of Jimbo, I cracked open the bottle and took a few good slugs. Then I smoked a bowl of wacky tobaccy and started doing my own little shaman dance around the room, until the wall-eyed yuppie downstairs came up and started banging on my door. I was in a roguish mood, so I answered the door in the nude with the scotch in my hand, and he ran away in horror, the pussy. I figured he might call the cops on me for that, so I got dressed and took off into the night.
That little encounter got me hungry for a little more mischief, and as I walked down the street I kept noticing all of these different churches. No where cool to go, but plenty of fuckin' churches everywhere. I started wondering why so many people fall for all this shit, until I remembered that most of them are a bunch of fuckin' idiots, yearning to be told what's what, instead of trying to find their own answers. 
And these half-wits are never content to let it be there own little form of salvation, they always have to try and convert everyone they encounter, "Do you accept Jesus as your personal savior?" I always tell them, ”No, I accept Batman as my personal savior...unlike Jesus, Batman actually saves people! Batman also has cooler tricks and he wouldn't have let a few Roman faggots nail him to a cross!" That always shuts them up. Try it for yourself, you'll see...
Anyway, I was walking around looking at all the different denominations wondering what the fuck was wrong with people, when I suddenly recalled my own Catholic up-bringing. Confession was always the worst for me, because when I was a kid I felt guilty over just about everything I did and thought, so I always confessed every stupid, trifling detail. Several times I ended up in tears, over nothing. And looking back on it the other night it made me mad. People confessing their sins to some guy with a white collar believing that he has the power to forgive you. Especially when you consider some of the sins these bastards are guilty of! I was getting so heated that I figured I needed a little more booze and weed to cool me down. So I snuck into the park and took a few more slugs and lit up a roach. As I sat there happily buzzing again, I thought about how fun it would be to go to confession and get a little revenge. And that's exactly what I did. It went something like this:
"Bless me Father, it's been 22 years since my last confession...hope you don't have any plans for the night...I'd hate to think that I might be interfering with your child molesting or anything! Ah, I'm just kiddin' ya, ya dirty old prick!!! Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm always surprised that you filthy old fuckers can even get it up! What are you 85...90?!? Is it just me, or do you look a lot like Nosferatu? It's hard to tell, it's pretty dark in here...why don't you guys put a couple of night-lights in here? I could go grab you guys a few Virgin Mary night-lights or something...nah, that wouldn't work would it? Then those kids might see you jerking off in there and go tell their parents! Yeah, but ANYWAY...enough about you...CONFESSION... yeah, I've definitely done my share of stupid shit over the years...like listening to the horseshit you people spout!!! I mean, really, I'm no angel, but I'm a fuckin' SAINT compared to YOU GUYS!!! I never diddled any kids or anything, Father “Hey, what the fuck am I doing calling you Father for anyway?!? Didn't anyone ever tell you that Fathers aren't supposed to molest their children? What a fuckin' joke...confessing my sins to you! You should be confessing to ME MOTHERFUCKER!!!"
OK, in truth I only got through about half of that spiel before he opened up the confessional door and dragged me out in front of the other parishioners and physically threw me out of the church, telling me that if I ever came back again he'd have me arrested. So I did my usual trick - I took a shot of scotch, stuck out my tongue, gave him the finger, and went skipping along on my merry way!
Until next time, forgive yourself, and don't forget to keep reaching for the Orange Cabbage!
The Do's And don'ts of dealing with little people
Ok friends, first thing's first - don't coo at us, pinch our cheeks or call us "cute"...unless, of course, you want to FUCK, in which case coo away!
Don't EVER pick us up before prior approval has been given...unless you'd like to see us transform from mellow munchkins into miniature Max Cadys. Just think about how strange you'd look with a bite-sized chunk missing from your cheek and proceed accordingly.
Midgets and Dwarves are NOT THE SAME . Midgets are small but their proportions are the same as regular-sized people. Dwarves have limbs that are disproportionate to their bodies, hence the fuckin' difference. So the next time you call a dwarf a midget and he bites your ball-bag off, you'll know why. Just play it safe, and if you have to refer to us as anything but our names, call us little people.
Try and restrain yourself from asking us what it's like being small... because we might ask you what it's like being an asshole.
This one should go without saying, but there are an awful lot of stupid-fucks out there, so don't make us jump to reach anything...this cruel and moronic school yard trick has resulted in more than one little person going postal on you regular-sized folks. Allow me to provide a personal anecdote to illustrate my point: Last summer I went into a little corner store to buy a pack of smokes and there was a Chinese woman behind the counter. I went up to the cash register and asked for a pack of Marlboro's and she started shrieking," WHO DARE? WHO DARE? BEGONE EVO SPIL-IT, YOU NOT WELCOME HERE!" So I backed up a few feet and said to her, "Fuck that hoo-doo-voo-doo shit, just give me a pack of Marlboros, OK?" Then she started laughing and saying, "Ohhhh...you no evo spi-lit, you just ang-ry rittle man! What you want rittle man?!?" That's when I got pissed and told her, "Your fuckin' head on a stick if you don't get me a pack of Marlboros!!!" Then she says,
“OOOOhhh...ang-ry rittle man try pick fight with pu-sun 2 FEET TAW-RER...RITTLE MAN MUST HAVE RITTLE BRAIN!!!" Then this stupid bitch dangled the smokes above my head and said, "How high you jump rittle man, huh? Jump rittle man, JUMP!!!" And at that point I was so mad that I couldn't even think straight, so I started jumping for them yelling, "GIMME THOSE FUCKIN' SMOKES YOU GODDAMNED YELLOW MENACE!!!" Then the final insult came as she said, “Why you smoke anyway? How you ever ‘spect to glow? You be two feet taw fo’eva.” As she kept waving the smokes above my head. Finally, I snapped out of Rumpelstiltskin mode and began thinking straight again, so I walked over to the bottles of wine, picked one up and threw it at her head! She dropped the smokes on the floor, so I ran over and picked them up, gave her the finger and ran out! How do you like them apples Chow-Lee?
And one final cautionary note...if you call us names like midget, runt, small-fry or pip-squeak, expect to hear something back that’s 10 times worse like "shut your fuck-hole you jabbering mongoloid!" Or, "You've got a face that only a motherfucker could love, you retarded cunt!!!" Or "I hope your prick falls off and fucks you to death, shit-face!" So be careful what you say, unless you want to be shocked beyond belief that such a cute little person could have such a nasty little mouth.
Until next time, watch your p's and q's and keep reaching for the Orange Cabbage!
Burn hollywood burn
Hollywood loves re-making movies, but how come they don't ever re-make anything that sucked and make it good? There's no fucking shortage of them, that's for sure. Take Troll 2, for instance. Troll 2 has to have been one of the biggest piles of rancid celluloid shit ever to hit the video stores, but what do they do? Go and re-make Psycho, a classic horror film from the master of suspense. How in the name of shit do you re-make a classic from the master of suspense? Hitchcock was the fucking master, you can't improve upon him. So what did they do? Waste a shit-load of money stroking Gus Van Sants monstrous ego and re-make the motherfucker scene for scene!!! Surely that money could have been better spent on, oh I don't know, ANYTHING?!? The latest re-make to piss me off was Hairspray. I wonder how many kids out there will never know the kitschy, campy fun of John Water's original film because of this fucking bullshit. John Travolta played Divine's role of the mother...what a fucking insult to the undisputed heavyweight champion of obese transvestites! As soon as I heard that I thought what a shame it was that Divine died before he and John Travolta had a chance to switch careers. Imagine how much more inspired Pulp Fiction would have been with a 400 pound transvestite playing the role of Vincent? Wouldn't it have been great to hear Divine referring to Samuel L. Jackson as "sweety", "sugar" and "honey"?
Or what if they had teamed Nicholas Cage up with Divine in Face Off? We would have received a double treat with that little pairing: Nick Cage camping it up with pancake make-up, blood-red lipstick and gaudy blue eye liner, while Divine hammed it up as a psychopathic, macho bastard!!!
Another thing those uninspired cocksuckers have started doing is re-making TV shows. A new version of Knight Rider is coming this fall to the small screen. Wasn't one poncey, smirking git in a leather jacket with a gay talking car enough? Jesus suffering Christ! What's next, is Menudo gonna make a come back?!? You better hope they don't, because there'll be 5 little dead Latinos lying onstage if they do.
But here's my biggest bitch with Tinsel town: If they ever did take my advice and re-make that Troll 2 shit, it wouldn't star one of my fellow little people in a troll costume. It would be some C.G.I. extravaganza... some dorky computer twat's wet-dream project. Dwarfs and midgets aren't in movies anymore! If Star Wars had come out now Kenny Baker wouldn't have been R2D2, R2D2 would have been some computer generated crap.
All of this C.G.I. bullshit is fucking with the livelihoods of little actors. Like that fucking Lord of the Rings horseshit. There wasn't a single dwarf or midget in the whole fucking series!!! Who played Frodo- that fuckin' Elijah Wood cunt! What, there wasn't any talented little people to play him or any of the other hobbits? Even the fucking dwarf in that movie was a regular-sized person. That fucking Peter Jackson prick wouldn't even have a dwarf play the role of a dwarf! He'd rather pay some nerd brigade to do some high-tech hokum on a normal actor. Fucking Aussie twat. Do you fuckholes realize how many little people starved because of those films? That's fucking genocide, goddamnit! They may as well have just taken all of us little actors, wrapped us up in plastic bags and thrown us down a well! Like a litter of unwanted kittens! I bet the same type of fuckers were responsible for the disappearance of leprechauns. They took their gold and then they took their lives, those miserable swine!
Nowadays the only place you'll see little people in entertainment is in porno or fucking Howard Stern. As a matter of fact there's a whole sub-genre in porno called midget porn. Maybe some of you creeps are familiar with Bridget the Midget?
Don't you think she'd rather be playing the part of an Ewok instead of having some 7 foot -tall homeboy stick his dingus down her throat? And they banned freak shows WHY EXACTLY? Over some shit about them being exploitative wasn't it? You know what? I say bring back freak shows, because you never see little people working at the bank, or as the head of some fucking corporation, or anywhere else for that matter. Most of us survive on the demeaning, insulting amount of money they give you on disability, and that's not enough to get a fucking blow-job these days.
So, until next time, go fuck yourselves, and keep reaching for the Orange Cabbage!
the reverend jason vorhees and the psychosis of jerry falwell
Let's talk about slasher films, shall we kids? I think I've figured out why Jason Voorhees usually kills teenagers when they're drinking, screwing or taking drugs. Jason's a goddamn puritan! We've never seen Jason burst into a church with a pair of machetes and hack his way through the parishioners before skewering the reverend with an organ pipe, have we? That's because when he's not out butchering "troubled youths", he's kissing snakes and talking in tongues down at the local mega-church. I think Jason should become an Evangelical preacher. He'd be highly effective. And he wouldn't have to talk a bunch of shit like those other preachers. Think about it, he never said a word in those Friday the 13th movies, and he wouldn't have to as a preacher either. You either accept Jesus as your personal saviour or he slices you in half with a scythe. That's a pretty strong incentive, don't you think?
"I'm saved! I'm saved! I found the holy spirit, Praise the Lord!!! Thank God the Reverend Jason Voorhees was holding a scythe, or I don't know if I'd have done it!"
Speaking of psychotic preachers, the Reverend Jerry Falwell bought the farm and went to hog heaven last year. Some of his public pronoucements before his death have left him with something of a tarnished legacy, wouldn't you say? Like when he blamed 9-11 on gays, liberals and witches. My favorite Jerry Falwell moment was when he declared his very own personal Christian Jihad against the Teletubbies.
Do you remember that shit? He was bloviating all over the place about Teletubbies encouraging homosexuality in children. The word Freudian came to mind when I heard him spout that shit. The Teletubbies encouraged homosexuality alright, but not in the children. One day Jerry was sitting in the dark with a glass of scotch, glowering morbidly at the screen, when he was suddenly confronted by these squealing little creep-faced freaks who pranced and skipped around on some weird little hills. And that's when the Reverend began to experience some feelings that he hadn't felt in years. A strange, tingling sensation down there in his umentionables... and I bet that just about gave Jerry an embolism...
"What in God's holy name?!? The Dark Prince is tempting me with perverse promises of fruity little multi-colored whats-its!!! Good Lord and God in Heaven, SAVE ME!!!"
Have you ever seen The People Vs. Larry Flynt?The film depicts the lawsuit Jerry Falwell brought up against Hustler Magazine over a parody advertisement for Campari, which featured a satirical interview with Falwell, in which they have Jerry reveal that he lost his virginity to his mother when he was shit-faced on Campari. Well, that didn't sit so well with Jerry. So I guess it's a good thing he's dead, huh? Talking about him fucking his Maw was bad enough, but insinuations about Jerry's latent sexual attraction to children's puppets would have driven him over the edge. That was probably his deepest, darkest fear... that his deviant desires be exposed to the nation:
"Dear, sweet Lord and Saviour, please cleanse my mind of these impure thoughts... I don't WANT to be sexually attracted to fruity little multi-colored whats-its !!! Vanquish this demon from my soul, Lord, and please, PLEASE, see it in your big, kind, generous heart to make sure Larry Flint never publishes a cartoon of me sodomizing Tinky-Winky!!!"
The Pledge Of Obedience
Alright kids, I think it's about time that someone discussed one of the most retarded aspects of American culture, and that is The Pledge of Allegiance. What are we, a nation of boy scouts and brownies? I understand patriotism, but this shit is enforced patriotism friends. Think about it: every morning in every elementary school across the country, children are required to stand up, place their hand over their heart and solemnly declare the national oaf, "I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America. ..And to the Republic, for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." Now, maybe I was just born under a bad sign, but ever since the first time I spoke those words I thought it was a crock of shit. Pledging allegiance to a flag ? No, it's not just "a flag", it's "the flag, you un-American little cocksucker!" Well, maybe I am an un-American little cocksucker, because after the first time that I spoke those words of blind obedience, it struck me as being, well, words of blind obedience! And from that day forward I would rise for the flag salute and gibberish my way through it. I'd do it in the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher" wah-wah wah-wah-wah..." It sure as hell made that shit a lot more fun, I'll tell you that much. I kept it up for years too and no one ever noticed. Not once.Personally speaking, I've come to regard the Pledge of Allegiance along the same lines as the Nazi salute! All you have to do is extend your hand out from your heart at a 90 degree angle and you're there! Sieg-Heiling the flag!
Every country has its flag, but we're the only ones who actually speak to it ! You know why other countries don't? Because they realize that it's just a fuckin' flag ! A symbol for their country, not an object of holy worship. That's the real reason why they don't allow prayer in American public schools- they already have one! People don't recognize it as such, but it is a prayer. A prayer of unquestioning devotion. Almost like marriage vows. Creepy.
The brain-washing runs deep too. Just consider that Burger King commercial that was on a little while ago which featured hidden cameras filming Candid Camera-like pranks on the customers. Remember that shit? People were getting all bent out of shape because they were telling them that they had stopped selling whoppers. These folks were getting seriously pissed off, saying things like," I want to see the manager, right now" and "I came in here to get a whopper and I'm not leaving 'til I get one!!!" Here's my question: How come these people can get so self-righteous over the perceived injustice of not receiving their daily bovine-fix, yet most of them don't even raise an eyebrow over getting royally ass-fucked nine ways to Sunday by King George Bush II and his criminal administration?!? They'll bitch up a shit-storm to some over-worked, under-paid 17 year-old Guatemalan girl, but they never seem to find it necessary to bitch up a shit-storm at those under-worked, over-paid fuck-holes who are supposed to be their representatives !?!
Here's another thing that has puzzled and disturbed me: Why have they always called people who are against war and for peace radicals? They used to call those 60's anti-war protesters "radicals". How the fuck did protesting against another unjustified war make them radical? Actually, the throwing of Molotov cocktails made some of them radical, but you know why that shit happened, don't ya? Because special agents in the F.B.I. infiltrated certain radical elements of the counter culture and encouraged them to engage in acts of violence. Its documented folks, it's true. Google the word COINTELPRO into your computer and see for yourself! That shit was a creation of our government, the guys who have been the true radicals from the very beginning. The guys who love war, power, money and suffering...the snake men...the illuminati...(cue scary organ music).
You have to be one fucked-up bastard to want to see the streets coated in a thick glaze of blood and guts. We're normal friends,those people areradical- radically fucked!Until next time, fuck the bastards! And remember, keep reaching for The Orange Cabbage!!!
