·        I’m a little behind the times these days folks. I’m still amazed that Clay Aiken became a fucking media icon! I saw him on Jimmy Kimmel once and all the women in the audience went berserk! Like he was the fucking Beatles or something! What the fuck? Clay Aiken is like a Cabbage Patch kid who grew! When did women start finding Cabbage Patch Kids sexy? Come on ladies, seriously… sleeping with Clay Aiken would be like sleeping with that kid Sam from Diff’rent Strokes! 

·        Something you’ll never hear: A radio station with the call letters WHIV.

·        I lived in Ireland for a long time and people would always ask me:

“Are ya from the States, are ya?”

And I used to reply:

”Yeah, the Altered States. Actually I spent my

entire adolescence there… as a matter of fact I never left.”

 

·        Have you ever noticed how much David Bowie sounds like Katherine Hepburn?

 

·        I don’t understand the concept of sitting Shiva in Judaism. Sitting Shiva? What’s the matter with you people? Go inside where it’s warm and have a cup of cocoa.

 

·        Come join us…be part of the B-Movement!

 

·        Have you ever noticed how often a fart sounds like a question? Or a declarative statement? What are they trying to tell us? And do we ignore them at our peril?

 

·        In Ireland the common greeting when you meet someone is a simple handshake. So, for years I was accustomed to this quaint cultural tradition: The Handshake. But then I returned to the United States and began meeting new people, and suddenly found myself confronted with this bizarre series of ritualistic, freemason-like hand gestures! What the fuck is this shit?!? Just shake my fuckin’ hand will ya? I’m not trying to join some mystical brotherhood here, I’m just trying to say hello for Christ’s sake!!!

 

·        I used to work at an ice cream parlor at a food court that was located directly by the sign for the bathrooms. Now, people always used to come up to me and ask me where they were, as if I was there personal toilet guide or some  shit.Anyway, that was irritating enough, but what really got on my nerves was when people would approach me and just say ” bathrooms?” I always wanted to say “Peaches? Bricks? Emus? Tofu?” And if I had ever said that, I’m sure I would’ve received some bewildered looks of exasperation, to which I would’ve said,”Oh shit, I’m sorry, I thought you were a surrealist.”

 

·        Vladimir Putin. Putin? Doesn’t that sound like some kind of sinister Russian fart? The kind of fart that would make all your body hair fall out before causing you to drop dead. Beware of the Putin…

 

·        How’s this for an oxy-moron: Job Fair. What kind of bullshit is that? As if it’s such great fun looking for a fucking job.

“Yay!!! We’re going to the job fair to find a job!”

Yuppie motherfuckers.

 

·        Good news- for the second year in a row, heroin in New Jersey was found to be the purest in the nation! Isn’t that great? What? You got something against heroin?

 

·        When Batman takes a dump is it referred to as guano?

 

·        Did you know Ireland was the first country in the E.U. to ban smoking in pubs? At the time that it happened, CNN’s headline News had a report about it where they mentioned that the new ban may take a couple of months to become culturally acceptable. Yeah, a couple of HUNDRED months! Smoking and drinking in Ireland are like baseball and apple pie in America. The Irish Government betrayed the values of their own country, those traitorous bastards! Telling the Irish they can drink but not smoke is like waving a titty in an infant’s face and then pulling it away just as the poor little tykes about to suck on it!

I've been wondering lately when Chuck Norris is finally going to throw his weight behind John McCain. I mean, they were both Missing In Action, you'd think he'd be a little more supportive of a fellow prisoner of war. Old Chuck is probably still nursing his wounds over Mike Huckabee losing the Republican Party’s nomination. Speaking of old Huckabeery Hound, I had a great idea for a humorous bumper sticker during the primaries, but it came to me too late:

Anyway, fuck Chuck Norris. There's been a lot of talk about McCain possibly selecting Mitt Romney as his running mate, and I think that would be a terrific idea, because I love making fun of that guy. I even insulted him to his face once when he was first running for Governor of Massachusetts. He was standing inside my local train station handing out fliers, and even though I didn't know who he was at the time, I took one look at him and immediately deduced that here was your typical snake-oil salesmen; slicker than goose shit and phony as hell. So when he handed me his flier I took one look at it and crumpled it up and threw it right in the waste basket beside him. I'm sure it didn't bother his heartless ass, but it was strangely rewarding in a teen-age kind of way.

Remember all the controversy surrounding Romney's Mormonism? I always thought that was a crock of shit... Romney's not really a Mormon, he's a vampire. Isn't it obvious? He just gets special injections from Kris Kristopherson so he doesn't burst into flames during the daytime. Think about it, all Mitt Romney is missing is a cape and a widow's peak. He's already got the fangs, he made that perfectly clear during the Republican Primaries. I just wish he had flashed those fangs during one of the debates. That would've livened that shit up considerably. Mc Cain would have caught sight of those giant canines and declared: "Hey, hold on a minute there, Romney! Did I just see a pair of fangs inside that sneering rictus of yours?" And then Romney would have quickly clasped his hands over his lips with a look of wild-eyed terror gleaming in his eyes, and then, speaking through his hands we would have heard his muffled response: "Why, I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about Senator... are you sure you're not suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer’s?" And with that, Mc Cain would have whipped out a crucifix and thrust it in Romney's face, as Romney instantly dropped his guard and began hissing at Mc Cain like a frightened, angry alley cat, declaring in a Bela Lugosi-like voice, "That's right Mc Cain, I'm not a Mormon, I'm a vampire !!!" As he suddenly turned on his demonic Hoo-Doo/ Voo-Doo shit, and mesmerized Mc Cain, causing him to run around in circles like a dog chasing his own tail. Then Mitt would've turned his satanic gaze to the cameras and hypnotized the whole nation, resulting in the early declaration of a new administration openly devoted to evil. The Vampire Romney would have given us Count Chocula as his Vice President, to keep us all quiet and entertained while he carried on with the sinister business of world vampirization.

I think these comic books say it all, don't you? It's the perfect summary of politics in America. I see a whole line of political comics sprouting up after this...Imagine some of the titles: The Astounding Bureaucrat - He Actually Does What He Says He's Going To Do ! Every issue would feature him following up on a different campaign promise, and finish with scenes of balloons and streamers swirling amidst the wild crowds, applauding and cheering the man who gets things done.

Or how about The Astounding Bureaucrat's polar opposite... Politici-Man... the superhero who simply talks all those nasty villains into submission: “No more empty promises, please, I'll do anything you say, just take me away from his infernal blathering!!!"

Or how about The Immortal Reagor, an everlasting Ronald Reagan who temporarily disables the enemies of democracy by projecting a wave of forgetfulness over them, before pummeling them into pinko-commie pulp with his mutant Republican monster arms. Reagor is assisted in his crime-fighting capers by his faithful sidekick The Rememberer, who constantly reminds Reagor about all the naughty people he has to pulverize.

But my favorite idea is a special edition of Marvel Team-Up featuring Senator John McCain as McThing and Senator Barak Obama as ObaMan...

Is it just me, or do most Republican bureaucrats remind you of actors from old monster movies? In fact, many of their names even sound like old monster movie actors; Trent Lott, Orrin Hatch, Paul Wolfowitz, Donald Rumsfeld…think about it folks, would any of these guys look out of place in an old Universal horror movie? Creeping around in the fog with Rondo Hatton seeking out stray liberals to strangle and devour? Personally Speaking, I think the last 7 years should have been narrated by Boris Karloff. Maybe that would have driven the point home:

“Hey, we’re being ruled by ghouls! What the fuck’s going on here?!?”

And the Republican nominee for President in 2009 fits the bill perfectly. Why, I bet if you shaved his head McCain would instantly transform into Tor Johnson! His eyes would roll up into the back of his head and he’d rush off to the nearest graveyard for a little midnight meeting with Vampira and Bela Lugosi.

Face it folks, the Republican Party fell off Walton Mountain a long fucking time ago! In fact, they probably ate the goddamn Walton’s! And as much as they love talking about Jesus to placate their Born-Again Christian constituency, is it really unrealistic to assume that these fiends go scurrying for cover at the first hint of daybreak?

“Here comes the light of the Lord! Must find subterranean shelter quickly…”

But let’s turn our attention to the scary monsters and super creeps who’ve been dominating our country for the last 7 years, shall we? The Bush Administration. True, most of them are some scary-looking bastards, but Condoleezza Rice even scares me and she’s the most normal looking one of them. Remember her appearance before the 9-11 Commission? She got so pissed off that I was fully expecting to see a swarm of bats come spraying out of that space between her teeth, weren’t you?

But Condoleeza is a veritable fairy princess in comparison to former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Rummy would have sucked those bats out of the air and then pulled Condi’s little fairy wings off of her back like some sadistic 8 year-old torturing a fly. Speaking of torture, does anyone really believe that Rumsfeld was unaware of the sinister goings-on at Abu Ghraib prison? With a face like his? Come on folks, isn’t it obvious? Donald Rumsfeld clearly isn’t human…he’s a possessed ventriloquist’s dummy! He’s Satan’s hand puppet-Howdy Demon! Think of it this way, if they ever need a replacement for Chucky from Child’s Play, Rummy’s their dummy. Imagine that shit:

“Miramax Pictures proudly presents, Bride of Rummy.”

The film would begin with a little 2 foot tall Donald Rumsfeld chasing a couple of hysterical teenage girls through a cornfield under light of a full moon. His little ventriloquist dummy mouth dripping with a rabid froth as his little dead, squinting fish eyes locked onto their target. And the next scene would feature Rummy and Countess Bathory sharing a bathtub filled with blood in the honeymoon suite of the Horror Hotel. While Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger and Dick Cheney line danced to Cotton Eyed Joe behind them.

And speaking of Dick Cheney, we’ll get around to that bag of shit tomorrow kids! Toodles!

Well folks, as I was saying yesterday, I think I figured out why they don't make good old-fashioned monster movies anymore; all their potential stars are republican bureaucrats. Like Dick Cheney. Don’t you expect to hear sinister organ music every time you see Dick Cheney? Or perhaps Angel of Death by Slayer? Come on folks, this guy shouldn't be in the White House, he should be in The Pit and the Pendulum, high-fiving Vincent Price every time they slice open a fresh victim. He shouldn't be arranging lucrative, no-bid government contracts for his oily buddies, he should crouched under a drawbridge waiting for unsuspecting goats. Or perhaps stirring a cauldron full of boiling children as he hisses “Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble, watch us raze Iraq to rubble."

Really, it's like he just stepped out of the pages of Grimm's Fairy Tales. What the hell were his parents, a couple of trolls? Actually, his mother was the troll; his father was actually Lon Chaney. He just changed the spelling of his surname to try and fool us, that bastard! It makes perfect sense to me, just think about it: Lon Chaney had a successful career portraying evil, disturbing characters. Dick Cheney HAS a successful career BEING an evil, disturbing character. Coincidence? I think not. Just look at the constant snarl on his face. Any time I've ever seen him he's snarling like a diseased cur! He makes Cujo look like Lassie for Christ's sake! But then again, you'd be snarling too, if the devil lived in your asshole! That's something a little Preparation H won't cure. I think he has to snarl because anytime he tries to smile he has a heart attack. Well, do you have a better explanation? One thing I am puzzled about though: wouldn't you think that in order to have a heart attack you kind of need a heart? I bet if you asked Dick Cheney to have a heart he'd tell you," No thanks, I had one for breakfast."

That's why we've hardly ever seen him for the last 7 years-his handlers at the White House have to micro-manage his image. You can't have the Vice President of the United States barking and foaming at the mouth while he shoots lawyers in the face with a shotgun! The entire country would be traumatized. Remember how everybody freaked out when Janet Jackson exposed her titty at the superbowl?

"It's indecent; we must protect our children from this filth!"

If people find a stray booby highly offensive, imagine how people would react to a rabid, homicidal Dick Cheney?

"Mommy, Mommy, the BOOGEY MAN'S on TV! He says he wants to boil me in a big pot with all the other children""Don't be silly dear, there's no such thing as the...OH MY GOD, DON'T LOOK AT IT HONEY, DON'T LOOK AT IT!"