scorpion tales for breakfast
w what I love? I love those"ABDUL, YOU BUFFOON, YOU KEEP SMOKING ALL THE SHIT!!! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SELLING THAT TO THE AMERICANS TO FUND OUR WAR AGAINST FREEDOM!!! YOU STONED FUCKING MORON!!!"
"RELAX, MOHAMMED, YOU’RE TOO UPTIGHT... I ALMOST HAVE ENOUGH TO BUY US SOME PEPPER SPRAY!!! AND WHEN I DO, LOOK OUT AMERICA, IT’S FUCKIN’ PAY- BACK TIME!!!"
Nah, I’m just kidding. Al Qaeda doesn’t smoke the ganja…those blood-thirsty bastards smoke scorpion tails! It’s true, why do you think they never stop fighting? It sure as hell isn’t because they’re “sooo baked, man”… no, those deranged swines are fueled by fucking scorpion venom! How’s the American Military supposed to counteract that shit? They don’t even let our soldiers drink anymore for Christ’s sake! They sure as hell aren’t going to start giving our men and women in uniform scorpion tails to suck down with breakfast. Wheaties and scorpion venom, that’ll get ya going in the morning, huh? Fuck coffee!
“HERE YOU GO SON, SUCK DOWN SOME OF THIS SCORPION SHIT, IT'LL MAKE YOU KILL LIKE THE TERRORISTS, ONLY BETTER!!! YOU'LL BE CHOPPING THEIR GODDAMNED HEADS OFF BY NOON!!!"
When you think about it, it doesn’t really matter that we have bombs that can turn corners and fly down wishing wells and emerge out of some rabbit hole in Tikrit, because those mofo’s are sucking down scorpion tails! That shit’s like Middle Eastern PCP! They’re probably like Jason Voorhees after they smoke that shit. We could send a fuckin’ robot army after those guys, have the robots incinerate them with their laser beam eyes, and these scorpion –sucking maniacs would raise themselves up from their smoldering pile of burnt flesh and RAPE the robots, then cut off their heads !!!
giant gnomes and mandatory meat hooks
Over the weekend I found myself in an Alternative nightclub after being stood up by some blonde creature. I was sitting down, slurping on some diseased urine, impersonating a pint of Heineken and watching some characters shoot pool, when this guy saunters along and plunks his ass down beside me. He was wearing what appeared to be a tea cozy on his head and had a little grey beard, and I remember thinking that he reminded me of a giant gnome. So he starts prattling on to me, telling me how he works at a building site by day and takes landscaping classes at night, and I thought to myself "How fitting for a giant gnome".
So this dude's filling my ear hole with a bunch of inconsequential shit when all of a sudden he stops talking to me and yells at this fellow that had only one arm, "What is this-one armed pool?" And it was like that episode from The Twilight Zone where the woman finds a watch that can stop time...all of a sudden everyone stopped moving. Then the one-armed guy threw this jerk-off a cutting sideways glance, I sat there blinking inanely and then the giant gnome resumed his mindless yapping, and time started back up again.
Now I understand that the giant gnome probably didn't realize that the dude playing pool only had one arm. In his happy little world there are no one-armed people...everyone has 2 arms and 2 legs and "Look at this shit, will ya? Here's a normal two-armed person playing one-armed pool! That deviant bastard!!!" I'm surprised the fucking idiot didn't say to me, "Aren't you a little young to be sucking back the booze small-fry? "Or maybe say something to the Asian guy sitting on the other side of me like, "What's the matter with you people, eating puppies and kitties!?!" I felt like turning to this human giblet and saying, "What the fuck kind of gnome has to take classes in landscaping? You're an insult to the gnome kingdom!!! You shouldn't even be out in public, numb-nuts! You should be content to sit on my front lawn and let the drunks piss on your head after closing time! And what's with this tea cozy shit you're wearing on your head?!? What? Do you think you fit in with these alternative creeps now that you look like an asshole?!?" Alternative fuck-wittery. You know what I want to see? I want the next alterno-trend to be head piercing, that way whenever any alterno-cretins start getting a tad too retarded they can be dealt with swiftly and without bloodshed. They could have meat hooks hanging from the ceiling of all the alterno hang-outs and any time one of these morons starts talking shit, the bouncers could simply pick them up and leave them hanging there from the meat hook by their head ring. Now that's alternative...nobody gets hurt. Actually, why stop with alterno-joints? Head-piercing should be mandatory for everyone! We live in a fascist theocracy anyway, why not go the whole hog?!? That way anytime anyone steps out of line Big Brother could be immediately dispatched to dangle the offending dipshit from one of billions of handy-dandy meat hooks hanging outside of every house and business! Their new totalitarian slogan could be "Uncle Sam Needs You...To Get Your Head Pierced. Your Safety Depends Upon It!!!"
Anyhoo, let's return to the notion of giant gnomes. I like that idea. They should make a movie about that. It could start with some disgruntled Rabbi who gets sick and tired of tending his garden, so he grabs a chunk of clay and recites a series of Yiddish incantations over it, resulting in a little gnome golem who immediately turns his garden into a wondrous Eden-like area. The Rabbi is amazed, so he instructs the gnome golem to clean up his house, which he dutifully does. Then he orders him to make him dinner and the gnome golem makes him the best meal he's ever had. After dinner, the Rabbi settles into his favorite easy chair and proceeds to consume a vast quantity of he-brews, resulting in him getting the crazy idea to make more gnome golems to perform all manner of services for him...only this time he decides to make them giant gnome golems, so they can build him a bigger house. Drunkenly, he rises from his chair and goes outside and moulds a series of large chunks of clay into gnome golems. After all the exertion and in his highly intoxicated state, the Rabbi passes out and in the morning all his gnome golems have vanished. Thus, the disgruntled Rabbi unwittingly unleashes a plague of giant gnome golems upon humanity! It would be like Godzilla or King Kong but with giant psychotic gnomes. And in the sequels the giant gnomes could actually fight King Kong and Godzilla! Wouldn't that kick ass?!?
OK, I know, I am a very strange little man.
Until next time, watch out for mad rabbis and keep reaching for The Orange Cabbage!
The Alternative End Times
Ever since I first heard the term “alternative”, way back in the early 1990’s, I’ve thought it was a bunch of horseshit. Applying that term to a certain type of music was a miracle of marketing, but blight upon individuality.
“What music are you into?”
“Alternative.”
“Me too.”
“Wow… WE’RE ALTERNATIVE!!!”
But alternative in the same way, which kind of makes you NOT ALTERNATIVE! Alternative means different, for fuck’s sake! How can you be alternative as a group? With your black nail polish and eye liner. That’s not alternative, that’s a lazy transvestite. Shut the fuck up, go buy a ball gown and join the other transvestites, sonny! I’d like to see these people take to the streets marching and screaming in unison:
“WE’RE ALTERNATIVE!!! WE’RE ALTERNATIVE!!”
Alternative… A lot of young ‘uns seem to think that tattoos and piercings are alternative. To what? Gypsies? Indians? Sailors? Ok, so Popeye was alternative, but not because of that little anchor tattoo… it was because of his speech impediment and his squinting eye! And his spinach fetish, can’t forget that. No folks, tattoos and piercings are tribal and they’ve been tribal for a pretty long fucking time! And being part of a tribe was never about being alternative, because… are ya ready for this?!? They were part of a TRIBE!!! If you were alternative to the tribe, you weren’t a PART of the tribe. The tribe had to work together to achieve common objectives for the benefit of all its members. Unless you were the shaman, he/she was alternative. But the shaman also lived away from the rest of the tribe and was usually an insane loner. Now, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if some of you told me that you were insane loners. That, I can believe. That makes you alternative. Especially if you visit your local bank in a mu-mu and speak to the teller in a Mickey Mouse voice.
Anyway, this whole alternative- becomes -mainstream thing began in the 1990’s. Back in the early 90’s Rage Against The Machine were one of the biggest Alternative acts around, but basically they were just a hybrid of rap and metal, which used anarchist thought as a selling point:
“RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE !!! SMASH THE SYSTEM!!! BUY THE T-SHIRTS, POSTERS, CALENDARS, DOILIES, DILDOES AND CHEWING GUM!!! WEAR IT, LIVE IT, RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!!!”
That reminds me of when the movie Malcolm X came out and all of a sudden everybody was going around with “X” hats. They mass- marketed a revolutionary…which is something that goes against the very nature of being a revolutionary! But who gives a fuck when fashion trends are at stake. And let’s not forget the famous Che Guevara photo that’s now on umpteen thousand different products. It’s like the Capitalists revenge… making a mockery of what Che stood for, and pissing all over his memory by making him into a pop culture trinket. No longer remembered for what he was all about, just a hip fashion accessory. Those fuck-holes.
Anyway, another act that came to epitomize “alternative” in the 1990’s was Marilyn Manson. The first time I ever saw that asshole I said to myself,”What’s this cunt an alternative too? Alice Cooper?” Ok, so he was/is a member of the Church of Satan…big fuckin’ deal, so was Sammy Davis Jr.! And Sammy was infinitely cooler than that cock smoker could ever hope to be. You know what would really be alternative? If Marilyn Manson fused with Hanson and became Marilyn Hanson!
But you know what would be even MORE ALTERNATIVE? Cut Marilyn Manson’s head off and shrink it according to ritual tribal techniques, then get Alice Cooper and Pat Robertson to play volleyball with it. That’s pretty fuckin’ alternative, don’t ya think?
You want alternative, kids? BeBo is gonna lay a little alternative scenario on ya, so try and keep up…
When the Biblical End Times come, and Kirk Cameron comes tapping at my door, I’ll be ready to face the Apocalypse in alternative grandeur! While the smoke swirls and the sinners are receiving their stings of God’s fury from the flying locusts with human heads, I’ll be cruising up Sunset Boulevard in my converted school bus, painted purple and black, with mechanized machine gun turrets and my internal fortifications set to Blackwater Security standards.
And my brave new passengers will be comprised of a cornucopia of alternative delights… my 2 wolf-kids, Remus and Romulus, my diseased, hairless pet collection;
Salem’s Lot Junior, an albino pinhead with surgically enhanced fangs, (who also happens to be a highly advanced practitioner of the Occult art of Psychic Self-Defense); and my collection of cloned porn queens with ridiculously over-sized breasts, who constantly pooch and lick their botoxed lips… while gyrating against random objects… But these cloned queens aren’t merely a group of deviant doppelgangers my friends! Hell no! These ladies are all licensed and documented weapons experts, who just so happen to love toting guns in s and m gear!
And, in case of a real emergency, say Kirk Cameron jumps on the roof of my bus, demanding that I accept Jesus as my personal savior, well… strapped to the roof, in a giant radiation - retardant steel box, reside my psychotic super clones…25 of them, to be exact, all pumped to the gills with steroids and crystal meth. Ready, willing, and able to drink the 7 bowls of God’s Anger, for their lord and master, BeBo! With a simple push of the button, we’d be gnawing on Kirk cutlets in a matter of seconds!
And as we drive down Sunset Strip, with pestilence and plagues weaving amongst the wake of ravaged corpses, I light up a fat doobie filled with Thai stick and smoke it with Salem’s Lot Junior and my retinue of replica harlots, as we listen to ‘The Ballad Of Thunder Road’ by Robert Mitchum… and as that song is fading out, I take a shot of tequila, lean out the window and yell,
“Hey fuckholes! I’m gonna re-populate the world with my seed! I’m gonna send a clone of me to every box you call home!!! Isn’t that alternative?”
And with that, we leave California behind, and make our way over to Gibsonton, Florida…where all the freaks moved to when they banned circus sideshows. And when I tell my fellow freaks that the wrath of God is upon us, they load up their shit into their converted vehicles, and they follow me back out West…to Matamoros, New Mexico, where we drink whiskey and smoke vials of Cataclysmic Wonderfuck (the trendy new designer drug for the End Times) with the local Satanic drug lords. And then we sit back, stoned within an inch of retardation, and try to spot the sun through the burnt brown clouds.
“Wow, it’s like warm chocolate up there, man…”
Which leads us to a little known fact…’Warm Chocolate’ was actually the last poem Jim Morrison wrote before he died. It went like this:
When I opened the wrapper
The chocolate was warm
Warm wet chocolate.
Nah, I’m just fuckin’ with ya! His last poem was probably about death or his penis, but that’s just wild speculation on my part.
sick pranks for a brave new world
Everyone loves fake dog shit and whoopie cushions, but with the A.D.D culture that we live in, a more sophisticated and extreme approach is required to achieve memorable, effective pranks. What follows are a few suggestions to help get you started on the road to 21st century pranksterism.
Pool your resources with several fellow pranksters and purchase 3 or 4 realistic love dolls and a couple of tubes of fake blood. Bring the dolls to a secure location, slather them in fake blood and leave them in a state of semi-undress. Next, under cover of night, climb up a variety of trees around your neighborhood and securely fasten each doll to them, just in case any strong winds should arise and ruin your prank before it's had it's time to shine. Make sure that you leave the dolls hanging there at odd angles so their limbs look severely fractured and grotesque. Remember what they say in the news business, "if it bleeds, it leads". People in your neighborhood will think that some deranged, arboreal fiend is on the loose killing young women in ritualistic fashion, and when they discover the actual truth you will have helped them to more fully appreciate their happy, quiet lives. It's almost like a really disturbed favor! Keep in mind that this prank should really only be attempted in the fall or winter, when the trees have shed their leaves.
Or, if you have no fellow pranksters to pool your resources with, a lower budget, summer-friendly option is available. Purchase one realistic love doll, and leave it floating face down in your neighbor's pool. Then, when the occupants discover this grisly surprise, hop out of the bushes and yell, "Surprise, you're on candid camera!" They'll think it's a laugh riot, and so will the police when they come to take you away to a happy place with retard drugs.
Here's one for a playful, plastic surgeon: The next time you get some spoiled, narcissistic dipshit who's perfectly fine the way they are, but wants a little Michael Jackson nose, agree to all their demands and when you get them in the operating room, stick their shnoz on up-side down! You won't merely receive big-time chuckles from your fellow surgeons, but you will have cleverly convinced the patient that they were just swell the way they were. Keep in mind that this prank works best if you're unlicensed and planning on immigrating to Central America immediately after surgery.
The next time you plan on throwing a big party, purchase a severed pig's head, and a Roomba . On the day of the party, carefully attach the pig's head to the Roomba and try it out. Once you have determined that everything is in working order, hide the ghastly apparition under a small, light sheet. Once all of your guests have arrived and everyone has achieved a state of altered consciousness, stealthily switch the Roomba on, and let it do its carpet cleaning. Inevitably, someone will get curious, and pull the sheet off , revealing the ghoulish spectacle underneath. Be sure to have a camcorder on hand so you can film your guest’s horrified reactions and post it on youtube. You'll probably lose some friends, but the sheer entertainment value will be worth it. Besides, you can always make new friends, just carry a gram of coke with you wherever you go.
Here's one more prank of dubious legality: Find a cryonics laboratory, cut their power supply and disable their back-up generator. Next, sit back and watch all the dead fucks thaw out ! It would be like watching ice cream melt! And just think about how funny it would be to watch someone's eyes slide into their navel!!! Aww, come on, it's not like they're ever gonna find a cure for death anyway! Just consider it another service you're providing to the world- encouraging people to live full lives and give up chasing those technological windmills!
Ok, most of my ideas involve possible arrest and incarceration, but like they always tell us, if you want to succeed, you've got to take some risks.
Disclaimer: For any of you brain-damaged psychos out there, none of these ideas are to be taken seriously. This article is for satirical purposes only. I am in no way endorsing the actual execution of any of these stunts. I accept no responsibility if any assholes out there try any of this shit!
